I've found the answer.

I know why fat people wear sequins, and patterns.
Well, most fat people.
I just wear black, and other dark colors. 
Fat people wear them to distract people.
"Look! Look at the shiny things! You see no fat! You see patterns! You see sequin snowmen!"
Yes, really.
I bought one myself.
It works like magic.
Or so I tell myself.  
See?

Let's try this again.
I don't even know if I can work blogger anymore.
Guess I'll just work on myself instead.