Saturday, March 20, 2010

I've got good news and bad news.

The good news is...
I've discovered where all the young people are.
"Oh. I thought you were going to say you lost 5 lbs."
Uh, no.
That brings me to the bad news.
I gained 1.8 lbs.
"You gained??"
Yes, I gained.
To be honest, I didn't track anything, celebrated St. Patricks Day, and went to a girls night out where I set my rice cakes aside and ate little smokies, and meatballs.
My bad.
Now, don't say, "At least..." "At least you didn't gain THREE pounds!"
I gained.
I accept it.
It was my fault.
Now I'm moving on.
I'll get to 20 lbs if it kills me.
At least I'll be 20 lbs lighter for the funeral home.


Tarnation said...

Cuz once your dead all you've got left is your looks.

Calamity Jane said...

I know that's have so many people you never wanted to see looking down at your waxy cold body and say how natural they looked...does that mean the deceased was preceeded in death by a coma? IF THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO ME IT MEANS I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO TREAT MY (now we drop our voice I don't want anyone to believe that I am not flawless!) facial hair problems and another sister pact must be made...I will bring my tweezers to your viewing if you will do the same for me...I need you to understand that the arch in my eyebrow is carefully planned and the whisker sticking out of the mole above my right jowel is evil and could destroy some vestiges of my female persona...I hear hair grows when we die and that little sucker just might take on a life of its own, then poof, come resserection morning, people are a bit confused to see the odd bearded lady coming up out of the ground...and when they sing hosanna a bit less joyful, it will be because they are feeling disturbed by looking at the poor girl who had no one show up at her last rights with a pair of tweezers! yes, we must help everyone to look nice for the casket! You got yourn priorities straight that's fo shor.

Heidi said...

got nothing to add after calamity's comment. i'm just laughing and giggling over here.

Tarnation said...

Thanks for the wild hair tip. Something I have not thought of. I have instructed my family under no circumstances should they embalm me and bloat me unrecognizable and to the size of a small whale. I am so glad Carrot has broken the ice on this taboo topic and we could have this little chat.

Yvonne said...

All my kids know that if I look good (aka thin) when I die the casket will be open, if not CLOSE IT.

Hang in there.

Tarnation said...

That last comment cracked me up.