Sunday, January 20, 2013

It worked.

Now what?

The twelve steps?


Friday, January 18, 2013

Yesterday was day two.
Morning shake?
S'all right.
Evening shake?
S'all right.
Lunch shake?
Blended garbage.

Maybe not garbage.

Maybe more like yard work...all blended together.

I choked it down the first day.
The second day, my brain refused.
It said things like,
"You cannot put cucumber and pineapple together!"
 "This tastes like wet lawn clippings and pineapple!"
 "You have to eat this with a spoon! It's too thick!! THIRTY TWO OUNCES!?! You'll never get this all down!"

Alarm bells were going off.
Horns honking.
People running around inside my head, screaming.

I'd throw it back, check how many ounces I was down.
No visible progress.
Half an hour later, I had about half of it left.
16 ounces...
15 ounces...
"I'm not going to keep doing this!!" my brain screamed.
13 ounces...
"THAT'S IT! STOP or you'll puke!

Fine. I'll stop.
But we won't quit.

I went to the kitchen and did this...

 Ate forkfuls of that.

   Tried the strained juice. Still too much texture, so I did this...

   Then I did this...

I got it down.

Today I will blend my pineapple by itself and drink it.
Then I will take my cucumbers, celery, lime, and various other things, blend them and chug them. 

I hope it works.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

 My husband got a life insurance exam, and wasn't pleased with his results. In fact, he was worried. He called his mom with his numbers (she's a nurse that specializes in diabetes education), and she suggested he try "The Blood Sugar Solution" six week program. Which starts with a 3-day detox .  We started out this morning with green tea. Blech. Nastiness with lemon and stevia.  After having a cup full of that, I can't say I'm looking forward to drinking all my meals for the next three days. I can say I am looking forward to ingesting "super fat" (coconut oil), though. Suuuper Faaat!
It's like eating super powers. 
In fact, I just might make myself a "Super Fat" t-shirt. 
Wait, no I shouldn't. People might read it wrong.
 I'd walk down the road wearing that shirt and they'd be all like, "Super Fat? Well, that's obvious". 
Whatever, people.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

I've found the answer.

I know why fat people wear sequins, and patterns.
Well, most fat people.
I just wear black, and other dark colors. 
Fat people wear them to distract people.
"Look! Look at the shiny things! You see no fat! You see patterns! You see sequin snowmen!"
Yes, really.
I bought one myself.
It works like magic.
Or so I tell myself.  

Friday, October 12, 2012

Let's try this again.
I don't even know if I can work blogger anymore.
Guess I'll just work on myself instead.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Why did this company go out of business?

I could use a tapeworm or two about now.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

No competition.

I HATE, DETEST, and LOATHE competition.
When I started losing weight last time, I swear it jogged everyone's memory, and they remembered that they needed to lose weight too!
Then it became a not so subtle competition.
If you want to lose weight, do it.
I couldn't care less if you do.
Just don't compete against me.
Because I'll stop.
You go with your winning self.
I'm going to stop right here and wait until you are gone.
I did it before, and I'll do it again.
When you're not looking.